Wednesday, 14 September 2011

The Big Apple

IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM SPITEFUL CARTOONS You can sleep at night knowing that none of the parasites in the rotten apple exist in the real world.   The creatures are purely fictional and any similarities  to real creatures are purely coincidental.  The zoo is a dying community.  The zookeepers of the rotten apple invite readers to help in the important work of identifying further creatures that live in the stinking flesh before they go extinct and are lost to science for ever.. 
N.B. For this work you must not be squemish and it helps if you have a bad sense of smell.


Some years ago scientists working at the IPGG (Intergovernmental Panel for a Greener Globe) which had been set up by the UW (United World), made the largest and greenest apple the planet has ever seen.  An apple of such perfect shape and unblemished skin that people were in awe of what the scientists working for the UW could achieve.

This Apple has been approved by the IPGG

Look what science can do” the scientists said, “this is a bigger, better and greener apple than anything Nature can produce, follow us and we will make the world a better place
The politicians and governments of the world agreed and said “Our world is like an apple whirling silently in space.  Let this apple be a symbol of hope in our troubled world.
The science journals agreed too and told the people “If you give more money to the scientists working with the IPGG the world will be saved”. 
The apple was an immediate sensation.  Every day a crowd of people would gather to admire the beauty of the apple which had been put on display in the square in front of the UW building.  The schools would bring the children so that they could be taught how they could play their part is saving the world   There were stalls selling badges with “I love the Big Apple” on them. About this time something unexpected began to happened, people in the crowds began to bow to the apple as if they were in a church.  

Wherever God erects a House of Prayer, The Devil always builds a Chapel there:

One morning when the crowds arrived for morning prayers n the square they discovered that a great hockey stick had mysteriously appeared on the side of the apple.
The people asked one another “What can this mean?”
A politician called Apple Core, who wanted to be the leader of the new cult, came out and explained to the crowd “The hockey stick is a message from the big apple.  Listen to the Big Apple which is telling us that the world can only be saved if you live a greener lifestyle.  That means accepting world government and paying more taxes.  If you do not follow me the end of the world is nigh
And Apple Gore gave out more badges to the adoring crowds that said “I love Big Al” on them.

Mac the Knife
Every religion has its dropouts.  Apple Core liked to call them names like “denier” The dropouts thought was an unintelligent way to convert them.

Amongst the deniers was one particularly bad element called Mac the Knife.  Ever since the hockey stick had first appeared Mac the Knife had been observed by the worshippers loitering at the back of the crowd swearing and blaspheming.  Nobody really knew why Mac the knife hated hockey sticks so much, perhaps as a little boy at school he had not been able to play hockey with the girls, however one thing is certain; seeing the hockey stick on the big apple made Mac mad.
What happened next in our story has become a myth.  What we believe happened is that one night after the crowds had gone home Mac came alone into the square and stuck his knife into the hockey stick.  Instead of being rewarded with the sweet smell of fresh apple juice there was a revolting stench.  Dropouts are used to stink and often fascinated by it, so rather than running away from the pungent smell Mac called his dropouts friends to come and witness what he had discovered
One of the friends had a good idea  “let’s cut the apple in half so we can find what’s up with the apple and why it stinks”.  Together they cut the rotten fruit in half and took one segment away to examine at home.
In the morning Al Core and the hacks and UW scientists arrived and saw half the apple gone.  How they panicked, but Al recognized this was moment for him to step up and be a leader.  He instructed his friends thus “If the worshippers saw this rotten stench I would lose my career, I would run out of the money I have got used to spending on my luxurious lifestyle. You hacks and scientists would lose your jobs too. 
Come quickly let us paint another hockey stick on the skin and prop the remains of the apple against a wall
After that fateful night they roped the area off so nobody could smell the stench of rotting fruit or see half the apple was gone, so the crowds were never again allowed to be close to the apple.  In this way Big Al kept the cult going.  When the worshippers arrived for morning prayers Al Core stood in front of them all and gave them this sermon “Plebs, the world is in peril because of filth like you, in future you must not be so lazy in your worship.  None of you are doing enough to save the world and unless you pay more taxes the end of the world is nigh…”  and so it was that Big Al saved the dayand the funding for the scientists of IPGG. AND APPLEGATE
But since that fateful night things have turned ugly: whispers have spread amongst the believers that the Apple is a cunning trick by the Al Core and his friends to set up a world government and get money from them.  Then there was a malicious scandal called “Applegate” spread on a website called that had been set up by Mac’s friends.

What they found in the rotten Apple
The dropouts and deniers have done a lot of research identifying the parasites and creepy crawlies that were found in the stinking rotten flesh of the bad apple.  Many of these creatures are not nice to even think about, so if you are easily disgusted, or faint of heart, now is the right time to stop reading or looking at the pictures.

This disgusting picture is a cross section where you can see how infested with parasites the apple had become
Scathophagidae pachauri dontsueus.
And this picture is of the maggot of  the Indian dung fly genus (Scathophagidae) which was once misclassified by Dr South (NB Dr.South is a very political dropout who often upsets the believers by his strtaight talk and  colourful language).  Dr South first descibed the creature by as S. maxwellus imatata because he unfairly thought it corrupts its surroundings, but in fact this was a misapprehension of the true nature of this modest little creature which is in fact a perpetual cleaner.  The reason it goes to dung heaps and rotting vegetation is that it wants to “clean up”.  Now the habit of this charming creature is better understood it has been taken out of the family Maxwellus and renamed S.  pachauri dontsueus.
Dr South also discovered mites that live in symbiotic relationship with this kindly maggot.  TERI mites eat the smelly poo of p. dontsueus and excreet sweet smelling poo.  Dr South is at a loss as to why the TERI mites are there but believes it is all part of the Indian Dung Fly’s clean up operation.

Phyllus Jonesii
There is no picture of this parasite because it is invisible but it is also everywhere.  Phyllus Jonesii is a primary coloniser, probably the first parasite to have polluted the flesh of the apple, but unless you are an expert you would never know this fungus was there; it does not smell, it does not discolour, it is sickly and characterless.  That is the thing about this fungus, it is just so successful at hiding. But once you recognise how to find it you find it everywhere, its bacilli  polluting and working their way into every pore and cavity; infecting, distorting, weakening and changing the flesh of  apple into a mushy tasteless substance on which all the other parasites love to thrive.

Arriving to the zoo soon

Mannus Hokey Pokey
to be added
Moonbotulism smearusall

to be added

Mushi greenpeas

to be added

if have you identified any creatures - let us know about your discoveries

Sunday, 11 September 2011

The Europlastic's Zoo

There has been a recent attempt by the Conservative Party to hijack the term Eurosceptic and give it a new meaning.  Far from using the term correctly they have decided to turn the meaning of sceptic on its head. Autonomous Mind coined a phrase for this group of faux-sceptic "The Europlastics".

This post will be a growing selection of pictures of the creatures that make up the Europlastic zoo.  I have started with Eurowillie, who obviously is half-hearted about the EU but does not have the balls to stick the Knife in. 

If you have ideas about creatures you think belong in the zoo of  faux sceptics, please let me know.  Email you suggestion and even drawings, to and I will see if I can include your creatures in the Europlastics Zoo.

 Useless Eustace meets his leader.